Yes! This is Victor

又是個突如其來的決定，讓我邁入另一段旅程

畢業後找工作兩個月後，慢慢的發現我越來越厭煩達拉斯了
加上找工作並沒有太大的進展，不斷的思考是不是換個城市繼續進行
七月初relocate想法油然而生，過程中不同的聲音在內心拉扯
七月中正當我OPT開始的當下，我決定去紐約找尋我人生的下一步
很多人質疑我去紐約的動機
一開始還很認真地跟一些朋友解釋，到最後我都以去vacation的名義呼嚨過去
就實質面考量，我戶頭也快沒錢，如果車賣掉還有充裕的幾個月的生活費
能想到的就屬紐約可以用subway還當作我交通的工具
就個性面來說，我就是喜歡跟別人不一樣
有同學認為達拉斯還是前景很好，很舒服，也幾位邀我去LA發展
而我硬生生地選了紐約，跌破一堆人的眼鏡
很多人都以為我愛慕虛榮選了紐約，星巴克卡是紐約，車鑰匙也是NBC New York
但講實在的紐約並不是我喜愛城市之一，也不愛髒亂擁擠的感覺
然而我就是想要與別人不一樣，這是具有極度挑戰的城市，就是想要闖闖看
總的來說，今天不管在美國哪裡，我看到最糟的狀況就是找不到工作回台灣
如果真的是那樣，那我就換個角度看美國吧!

八月八日來到紐約，搭著計程車進入Elmhurst，我才意識到我離開德州了
走進我的房間，我大笑的和自己說和David家的廁所一樣大，彷彿我回到台北宿舍
這幾天下來，試著與這熟悉的陌生培養感情
搭著地鐵，走在路上，不論是中國城還是曼哈頓，抗拒還是在我心中存在著
買東西也不敢買多，因為擔心提不動，那天扛著不大不小的電扇，懷念起有車的日子
空氣裡瀰漫著緊張的氣息，相對濕度是德州的兩倍，我頭髮都塌了:'(
我知道我只是不習慣這樣的模式罷了
諷刺的是以為在台北待慣的我，到紐約可以完全地融入，沒想到我被達拉斯制約了
才發現人都有慣性，而這慣性卻可以差異的如此的大
到了紐約後赫然發現，我到底在這城市追尋著甚麼?
走在熙來人往的紐約，看著人們的臉龐，找尋不出他們在追些甚麼
夢想真的會在這裡起飛嗎? 還是在這裡墜毀著? 沒有人能知道

離開德州，我所有事情都可以拋下，唯獨我最放不下的是我depression的朋友
到的第一天，我哭的氣不成聲，看著我depression朋友的簡訊我哭得亂七八糟
我是他德州唯一的朋友，她有個複雜的家庭，而我是幫助他生活多過於他家人的人
他除了depression，他有日漸嚴重的back pain，我感覺是坐骨神經損傷，到後來是躺居多
簡訊的內容是這樣的
Now that I'm home and laying in bed. It's starting to sink in that my life is incredibly lonely yet again like before I met you except now I'm confined to bed. That's the thing that all the different parts of my life seem to have in common. In the end up being left behind. Who would want to live life like that? Everyone else moves on and keeps actually living life while I basically end up frozen in time while life passes me by. Stuck in my own special prison. A prisoner of my failing psychological health. And now it feels as if the walls of my prison have just been reinforced by my recent failing phyiscal health. I just don't know if I have enough strength left in me to handle what I'm facing all alone. With no one meaningful to me. No one willing to offer help or support or even just some simple encouragement. Right now its practically just me against the world. Aiyah... At least I can be happy for you cause I know you have the strength in you to not give up on yourself and to live a meaningful and rewarding life. Sadly, my fate is much more precarious and uncertain. I don't really know if I'm gonna make it. I know you will though. I'm sorry. Seeing you leave today is just overwhelming me. So hard to handle losing someone from my life that means as much to me as you do especially when it happens during and extremely difficult period of my life. I suppose it doesn't help that I don't have anyone else to talk to about this situation. I hate having to burden you with everything. I just want you to be happy. But I think I also regret that we didn't have one last real kiss before you left this morning. There are so many things I wanted to show you. So many more things I wanted to do for you. So many more things I wanted to do with you.
很多關於他的事，我已經不知道該如何幫他，只能祈求老天爺幫幫這位被這社會遺忘的病人吧!

晚安紐約，晚安我的朋友!